I weigh…a good bit more than I did in my first round of Tindering. When I started my initial Tinder adventure back in the day, I was fresh off some severely disordered eating. I had been working intense days hauling art around a cruise ship. And for my body, I was tiny, a size 10/12.
Once I got home, I struggled. It turns out, it was during this period that my fibromyalgia, a chronic illness that causes extreme fatigue, depression, anxiety, and pain, was beginning. I was constantly exhausted, and I turned to sugar and margaritas and fabulously cheap Mexican food to see me through. And you know what? My body did great. It’s still here. It kept going, holding me through it all. My body held me together even as I felt I was falling apart, trying to find a way through any way it could. I don’t regret a single thing I consumed during that time or a pound I gained, or that I’m now a size 20/22.
Most of the time, I love my body. My stretchmarks, my juicy thighs, the curve of my hips are precious to me. But it’s hard when a lot of the world spends time telling you how wrong you are for that. From the tininess of airplane seats to what clothes are available in actual stores, the world very clearly screams “MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T FAT LIFE WOULD BE BETTER. YOU SHOULD WANT TO BE LESS FAT.”
I vividly remember dropping two dress sizes from a long bout of the flu in high school and how complimentary people were. So much attention! The compliments! My grandmother and mother joyously bought me new clothes. In college, I spent summers eating a bag of steamed broccoli and 3 pretzel sticks a day, then heading to the gym after a day of nannying, attempting to reach that point again. Being thin grants access and privilege and a legitimacy to your presence. The social psychology embeds itself in you, no matter how many times you try to channel Jenna Maroney on 30 Rock.
And so sitting here in my now rubenesque body, my brain starts extrapolating. My body isn’t typical. It doesn’t fit in. It’s not at that place where the compliments and flattering looks come constantly. How can I expect other people to appreciate my body?
I try to be super upfront on Tinder, with full body shots, plus a bio that concludes”Built like Tess Holliday/Lizzo. It takes a lot of curves to hold this much personality.” But the hard truth is I don’t expect anyone else to like my body. I’ve learned to love it, but I’m completely convinced everyone around me would like me better if I were thin.
Fully vaccinated and after months of emails, two of my best friends in the US and I met up in Port Angeles, Washington for a long weekend of hiking and talking about absolutely everything and nothing. One is happily married to a wonderful man she met on Tinder, the other just celebrated one year with a sweet man she met on Bumble. And I admit I felt a smidge of envious. I am so happy they are both happy! A little bit of me wants what they want, in spite of how content I am on my own and with my life at present. Having a somebody would be nice.
Every time I get on a plane I think how nice it would be to lean my head on somebody’s shoulder and point out the window as we take off, going somewhere with a someone who matters. Airports always seem designed for romance to me, not in the sense of the big airport hello or farewell but more in terms of having someone to help you into your jacket after security, trade off watching bags while you run to the bathroom, be excited to go somewhere together, and lean on for an inflight nap. At airports, I get romantic and wistful, a weird sort of maudlin fueled by conveyor belts and ID checks.
And so I redownloaded Tinder sitting in the Seattle/Tacoma airport, my backpack at my feet, swirling an obscenely large iced coffee as I typed out a quick bio that included the aforementioned caveat about my size, and picked a few photos to upload, including my favorite from the trip. I aimlessly swiped for a few minutes as part of the Tinder onboarding process and boarded my flight home.
A few days ago, I matched with this guy, and he thinks I’m stunning in every way. At first, I thought he was trolling me. No one could find me, my body, this amazing. He says he’s been waiting for a woman like me. He’s even deleted his Tinder.
The catch? He lives in Tacoma, a match resulting from my short jaunt and momentary swiping while in the Pacific Northwest.
He is mind-numbingly handsome with an accent. Romantic as hell. He’s traveled to over 40 countries and all 50 states. He has the same obsession with sitting by water that I have. And he thinks I’m a goddess with a perfect body.
I don’t know where it will go. Who knows if we’ll ever even meet. But just being adored in my own skin is refreshing and joyful. It makes me see myself in a new light: someone other people can love just as she is.
Welcome back to TinderButtons, everybody. Thanks for joining me on this weird adventure.