I’ve been trying so hard to make myself want the things I feel like I should want. A stable relationship headed towards a long-term commitment. A full time, fancy institutional job with prestige. A living arragnement away from my family.
You know what I actually want? To do freelance work that emphasizes accessibility and decoloniality, that lets me keep working with my best friend and travel to interesting residencies. To spend more time with my family, because they are precious to me. To rest because fibromyalgia life is tough, and my spring gig working full time left me so tired I cried whenever I woke up in the morning. To date interesting people and have a brilliant time with them.
I’ve really struggled with this lately. I’m watching friends get engaged, get promoted, make big financial decisions, and I feel a twinge of genuine envy, but also this bewildered wistfulness of “isnt this what I’m supposed to be aiming for? Why don’t I want to pursue this? Why doesn’t this work for me right now?” I feel tremendous guilt, like I’ve somehow failed as a human being.
Separating what other people want, or want for you, from what you actually want is so difficult. But sometimes we get lucky and find a moment of clarity in an unexpected place, like a shiny penny at the toe of a Christmas stocking.
This week’s revelation comes all the way from the North Pole, because (drumroll please….seriously tap on your desk or your lap or something it will be worth it) I am going on a date with Santa Claus! Well, ok, real Santa is at the actual North Pole being busy and important, but I am going out with a leading manufacturer and purveyor of luxury Santa attire and a Santa performer.
I am elated! Someone who adores Christmas! And dress up! And fun! I may even get to do a gig as Mrs. Claus for a bit, which is the dream. I love playing pretend, beautiful clothes, and interacting with kids. To make money doing that would be brilliant. Also, think of all the Santa and Christmas puns I can make!
A date with Santa and a gig as Mrs. Claus don’t fit in with the things I’m supposed to want. But I want them. Just the thought brings me joy that fills my whole body, like I’ve eaten a bunch of Christmas cookies and danced about to my favorite playlist while decorating the tree. I feel like Glen Coco in Mean Girls with my four candy canes!
How many things am I holding on to because I’m supposed to want them? How many things have I said no to because they didn’t align with a vision of myself that isn’t true to who I am? What would it look like to be a me who cared more about being myself and less about checking the boxes of what the world has decided success looks like?
It’s the equivalent of writing “dolls” on my Christmas list when what I really wanted was “teddy bears.” It’s just silly. It doesn’t honor who I am, or how beautiful the life I’m living actually is. It may be worlds apart from what I expected, and in some ways continue to expect, of myself, but I’m still here and thrilled.
Here’s to pancakes with Santa, and to being our weird, wonderful selves! You’re worthy of all the Christmas presents, just the way you are.
One last thing: make my Christmas wish come true, and hit me up with your best Christmas love/dating/sex puns in the comments!